That one song that relates to everything

Have you ever found that one song that describes you perfectly? Well I think I found that song tonight. It’s pretty old and most of you probably haven’t heard it unless you’ve seen Treasure Planet (the animated, steampunk, space adventure based off of Treasure Island from Disney). The song is ‘I’m Still Here’ by John(or Johnny, depending on the site) Rzeznik.

The chorus and bridge go like this:

“And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don’t feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me,
But I’m still here.

They can’t tell me who to be,
‘Cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleepin’,
While I keep on dreamin’ for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that I’ll never believe.”

Haven’t we all wanted a moment to be real and touch things we haven’t felt? Or to hold onto something and feel like we belong? And there’s always those people that want us to change. 

I’ve been dealing with a lot of that lately with graduation and choosing college classes and everything. Everyone is telling me what I should do because they think they know best. “Oh don’t go into that field, it’s terrible’. ‘Don’t go to that college for this teeny tiny reason’. There are a lot of times when I just want to hide away in my room and forget about it all by writing or editing pictures. A lot of times that’s what I did and still do. Whenever a subject comes up that I don’t want to talk about I tend to tune out(which really is a bad habit, I know). There’s also that feeling of ‘what if I did that instead of what I’m going to do?’. I think that’s the worst part. I’m not going to do it, but I still want to know what it’s like. I think everyone does that at some point though. We make choices and wonder what life would be like if we had chosen differently.

Feeling like I belong? Well let’s just say, outside of online friends, I have one real good friend. Everywhere I’ve been I’ve always wanted to ‘belong’. If I was just one year older or younger or came from here or did this I would fit in. It honestly doesn’t feel too great when you’re everyone’s friend and but never invited anywhere. You want to hold onto those ‘friends’ and belong even when you realize it’s not going to work out. But you know what? It makes it so much better when you find a group of people that you do get along with. Aside from my best friend, all of my friends are from an online forum and I see some of them once, maybe twice a year if I’m lucky. But they’re the best kind because I know that even after a year of only talking online, we’re still going to freak out when we finally see each other in person and that’s one of the best feelings ever.

As far as the world goes? Who really cares what the world thinks? By the time they settle on a standard it changes, even though they don’t. I don’t want to be constantly changing for someone else. If I’m going to be changing, I want it to be for myself.



Why do you do the things you do?

I attended a webinar tonight about writing and publishing. The teacher brought up a really good point. Why do you write? Is it just to get published and famous? Do you want people to remember you? Do you have something important to say? Or is it because you like doing it?

That made me start thinking about all of the things I do. Why do I do them? Well in my case it’s a very simple answer. I do them because I like to. Not because I have to or because other people want me to, but because I like to do them.

Over the years I’ve gotten involved with a lot of different things through 4-H and local organizations. I’ve looked into careers of (and these are only the ones I can remember) veterinarian science, biology, and marine biology before settling on graphic design. Believe me it wasn’t easy making that choice. I’ve turned down a couple of full-ride scholarships to be able to do what I like and I’ve gotten a lot of flack for it too.

At first I was real leery about who I told what I was doing. I’m not getting a degree and a lot of people just couldn’t understand that, especially with my background. (A lot of people think of me as the good girl and straight A student.) But I realized a few things. 1. I was trying to go to college, get a job, and do things that would please everyone. 2. Pleasing everyone would never happen. 3. I wouldn’t be happy with other people’s plans for me. So I decided to throw all of that out the window and start from scratch.

That’s when I decided on graphic design. I’ve always loved creating things and working on the computer and there they were combined.

I’ve also developed a passion for writing fictional stories. Which is quite funny because I started out hating writing. Now look at me. Two short stories, multiple songs and poems, a blog, and three novels-in-progress later and I love it.

So all in all, I know why I do things. Because I love them. What about you? Why do you do the things you do?

My ramblings on turning 18

So I just realized something over the past week and I needed to tell someone. Y’all seemed like a good audience. So here goes. (Didn’t proofread so sorry about the mistakes. :p)


18. Such a wonderful number. The age where you become an adult in everyone else’s eyes(supposedly). You can vote. You’re not a minor anymore. You get more freedom.

But sometimes things aren’t always what they seem. Being 18 is the hardest thing so far and I haven’t even been 18 for a month.

Once you turn this magical age everyone starts asking you questions, almost like an interrogation. Where are you going to college? What are you majoring in? What are you going to do with your life? Are you moving off? Are you staying here? When do you officially graduate? When are you going to get a boyfriend(or girlfriend)?

You are constantly being asked these questions over and over and your response just become automatic. Oh I’m going here, moving in in this month, majoring in this with a minor in that, and after that getting a job here.

Of course things don’t always work out that way do they? Test scores aren’t good enough, you don’t qualify for scholarships, or someone comes into or leaves your life.

Not everyone treats you like an adult, especially if you look younger. It’s going to happen. People will think ‘Oh it’s that 18-year old that thinks they know everything in the world’. At which point they’ll either tell you nothing or tell you everything they know about everything to make sure they know more than you.

One week ago I had my last 4-H meeting. A friend of mine and I realized it very well might have been the last time we see each other in person. He’s going off to college or joining the reserves and I’m staying in my hometown. This guy that I’ve known for nine years suddenly won’t be around anymore. I won’t get to see him at the monthly meeting, or the project meetings, or see him show at the fair, or stand next to him waiting to find out our team’s score at a competition. I won’t be on the rocket team with three guys that I’ve come to know so well over the years. I won’t be going to shooting practice every Saturday morning in between rocket launches with them and my other friends that shoot. None of us are going to do that next year and half of us might not even be here.

My best friend already graduated. She graduated a year early and already it’s been hard finding time to do stuff together. Thankfully, she decided to stick around and get her two year degree locally, but what happens when she’s done after next year? Not to mention when I want to go apply for a job on a ship that sails between North America and Europe. What happens then?

18 is really the age when you figure all of this out. You hope and pray that you’ll stay in contact with your friends that you’ve known for almost ten years, but will it really happen?

I do have some long distance friends. One that I’ve known for about five years. We’ve stayed friends over the years through email and social networking. That’s pretty cool. But I can’t help but wonder if that what my current friends will become when they move off? Internet pen pals? It’s cool when you don’t live by each other. But when you’ve lived by someone and seen them so often that you can hear their tone of voice and see their facial expressions in their texts… You’ll start to lose their voice after a while. And what happens when you lose it forever and they just become memories and friends on social networks you never talk to?

I guess my point is don’t take those friendships for granted. Spend as much time with them, having fun, just talking, just doing something with them as much you can. Even if it’s having a conversation of quotes from songs or movies or arguing over which movie character is yours or maybe arguing over which soda is better. Just spend time with them and have fun. Squeeze as much time as possible into your schedule for you to hang out. ‘Cause all too soon it might be the last time you’ll see them.

The Great Gatsby (Movie)

As humans we long for the past and for the things we can’t have. We spend most of our lives trying to get back to where we were five or ten years ago. We wonder at what could have been if we changed our decisions in the past.

“‘Can’t repeat the past?’ he cried incredulously. ‘Why of course you can.'”

The Great Gatsby captures the theme of this longing. The story is about a man, Gatsby, who puts on the grandest of parties and has everything anyone could ever want just to impress the girl he loves, Daisy. Sadly, she is already married to another. So he comes up with a plan to win her over and have her tell her husband that she never loved him and that she is going to go away with Gatsby, her first love.

I just saw the movie earlier today and I must say, from a cinematic point of view it was an absolutely beautiful movie. The way it was filmed was amazing. The sets and props that they used fit the time period perfectly. As did all of the clothes and costumes. Even the acting was great. I love how everyone acted like a gentleman back then. Everything was spot on for being a movie set in the Roaring Twenties. The only thing I was disappointed in was the music. Most of it was music from today, which is nothing like the twenties. But overall I thought it was one of the best movies I’ve ever seen.

Now, I haven’t read the book yet. I didn’t have time to read it before going to see the movie, but I plan on reading it during the summer. I’m very interested in seeing how close the movie was to it.


Learning about film

So I just graduated and one of my classes this year was a film class at a co-op.

     Over the past year I learned a lot about the world of films. Some of the most enjoyable ones were learning film terminology (So I now know what the crew means when they talk on set), learning about acting(And how hard it is to keep a straight face when something unexpectedly happens. Needless to say most of us burst into laughter), and learning the different crew positions and what they do. My favorite thing was the process of film production, including creating and gathering props, designing the look of the characters and sets we used to film, filming, and directing(Which is all harder than you think).

     For my crew position I was selected as the Production Designer, also known as the Creative Director. That crew position meant I was responsible for creating the physical and visual appearance of the film. I worked closely with the Location Scout, Set Decorator, Props Master, Costume Designer, and the Make-up Artist to figure out which rooms we filmed in and the props that were needed in them, the costumes for each character(It sure is hard trying to figure out accessories for everyone in the film. Should this person have a matching necklace or just earrings?), and the hair and make-up styles for each character. I also worked closely with the Director and the Director of Photography to achieve the “look” of the film.

     When filming started I was extremely excited. Even though it was a student-made short film, it was still the first movie set I had ever been on. I learned that filming is not as easy as it looks from the bloopers and special features on the DVDs. Although I have done theater, the way you learn your lines and get into character for filming is different, and I think it is actually harder. It was also hard to get costumes to look the same week after week and to get the set to look the same every time we filmed(And other stuff like ‘Which side of the face was this guy’s bruise on?). I learned how sometimes you have to change the script on the spot and memorize new lines in a couple of minutes, too.(Which isn’t as easy as it seems. xD)

     I think the hardest thing was learning how to direct. When I directed, at first I had no idea what to do besides yell “action” and “cut.” I had watched the teacher and other students do it, but when it was my turn it suddenly became much more challenging than it looked (Especially since all of the other kids were 12-17). It took a lot of effort (and patience) to keep everyone in line, on time, and focused on what we were filming. Nevertheless, it was a great experience with a leadership role in the class and it did get a little easier as time went on. But sometimes it’s really hard to keep jr. highers and young highschoolers in line!

     Overall it was a pretty awesome experience. The teacher even invited me to help film a webseries he’s working on. He also said that if I ever had any stories that would be easy to film I should show him. So who knows? Maybe one of my stories will be turned in a short film or a movie.